Be open to a new, interested, respond to events … These are, of course, positive qualities. But what if we do not keep up with the stream of events, and more and more often I want to close from all these “interesting things”?
– A very interesting person arrived! A businessman, but became interested in collages, imagine, he makes them with his own hands, collects together natural material and industrial waste. In Moscow only a week, one seminar has already passed, but you can still get to his lecture ..
A friend called to call me there, and with enthusiasm talked about this bright personality, about the unusual circumstances of their acquaintance, where they met and so on. And I listened to myself, trying to find at least a crumb of oncoming enthusiasm.
– You will go? – my friend asked me.
“Uh …” I hesitated.
– What is not interesting to you?
A reproach sounded on the issue. Indeed, is it not interesting to me?
According to the association, another episode came to my memory, which took place a month before the above described above. It was on Hatha Yoga. I went there once a week after work. And at the end of classes, the organizing girl made a joyful announcement: there is an opportunity to go to training-medical. Saturday and Sunday. Six hours each. Who wants?
Already in the locker room, she addressed the same message in private specifically to me:
“No,” I cut off with categoricality.
– What do you think that you do not need it?!
Be open, alive, interested, ready to respond to events … After all, these are positive qualities. We were taught this in childhood, and we ourselves are not giving our sympathy to such people? Probably to them. And not their unsociable, gloomy, closed antipodes. But the trouble is – this is exactly what I feel more and more often. I compress, hearing an invitation to “interesting”. I have mental indigestion from new impressions. My mental metabolism does not keep up with events and people.
There are no deep feelings. It seems an axiom. To make the feeling deep, the impression must fall deep into the souls, lay down there and again go upstairs, enriched with ties with all previous personal experience. This takes time. But if the impressions follow one after another, they simply have no time to digest them. We carefully treat our stomachs and do not stuff them continuously – not only what we can’t stuff, but even selected food. Because the best delicacies cannot be stuffed into yourself without pauses.
– Eat another piece.
– Thank you, I can’t.
Of course, there are those who are ready to be offended by refusal as neglect of their culinary art, but they are in the minority. However, regarding the food of the spiritual “Demyanov’s ear” happens much more often.
Exhibition, Premiere, Training, Opening of something new-events take place daily dozens. “Drama circle, a circle in the photo, and I also have a hunt …”. The immortal lines of Agniy Barto do not lose relevance. No matter how hard we try to catch everywhere, we will still miss something. “How? You were not (there). ” Yes. Someone will definitely utter these cruel words aloud. And since we are vulnerable and tender, it is better to prepare in advance for this. Because we will have to make a choice. And the choice is always a rejection of all other opportunities. We will not make a choice, we will not find the strength for refusal – it means that we will be torn to pieces. If not advertisements, then their own friends. Of the best motives. “You will come for my evening?”What to answer? Maybe it’s really better to get sick? I don’t know the correct answer. Sometimes I say: “I will try”. Sometimes I say: “Yes”. I also say: “I really want to come!” This is true. I really want. But it happens that I just can’t. Because I’m afraid that at some point there will be nothing left of me. That my “I” disappears, becoming a background for everything that is happening, that my inner world will turn into a kind of auspic. And then I choose – stay with me. Do not go anywhere. Watch nothing. Not to meet anyone. Do not get new impressions. Process old.
Of course, it does not follow from this that I am not interested in what is happening around, or I do not want to be invited to me and there. Sometimes there are happy coincidences: I would like, for example, to go to a concert – and just … and the joy is doubly: because the soul was already prepared within itself for a new impression, revealed them to meet them, and they poured there with a full -flowing spring stream, and did not drive for violently, and did not drive them up.Like piles in frozen earth. Or like this: I walked the other day along the street, not busy, and wandered into the cinema – just the session began. The film, in truth, turned out to be so -so, but what a funny sense of freedom! Walked, nor a plan, no schedule ..
– What do you think that you do not need it?
And in the gaze of clear eyes there is such hope that it seems: another answer is impossible, except: “We need! Of course you need! If not now, then next time – be sure “.
But I say otherwise loudly, honestly and sadly: “Yes. I
think I don’t need it “.
And I almost hear the roar with which the last stones of my bright image collapse down.